Monday, December 16, 2013

Yo Ho Ho and an Bottle of Woe is Me

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Woe is Me
Imari Jade
I learned four things this weekend:
(1) You do need your lung to breathe,
(2) You can die in a doctor’s office during a routine visit, 
(3) Every bone and muscle in your body can ache at the same time, and
(4) Barbeque alligator tastes like pork.

Okay let’s start from the beginning. Right now I am sitting on my bed giving myself an asthma treatment while watching Bizarre Foods America. It’s Monday night, and all of this began last Thursday.

I started coughing on the bus on Thursday afternoon. It doesn’t take much to set me off since I’m allergic to just about everything under the sun, and probably the sun too. I thought it might be the heater blowing directly in my face from one of the vents, or maybe construction dust from one of the other passenger’s clothing. I put a cough drop in my mouth because I didn’t have water with me. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway if I had water with me or not since you’re not supposed to eat or drink on public transportation. I can understand to a point because some people are just dirty and prone to spill stuff or leave their trash behind to draw ants and roaches on the buses. But there is also a sign that says no radio playing without ear buds, but they allow people to talk on their phones which I think is a bigger distraction to the driver. Anyway, I got off the bus at my stop and then got a whiff of all the fireplaces in the neighborhood. It was very cold on Thursday and I understand that people have a right to burn logs in their hearths, but for people like me it is the worst scent in the world. I can’t breathe direct heat or cold air up my noise without getting sick. So I was dealing with (a) direct heat from the heater on the bus and (b) direct cold air when I got off the bus, and (c) too much wood burning in the neighborhood.

On Friday I went to work. It was still cold that morning, but it had heated up by the afternoon. I work in a very warm (no hot office). So, I’m out of the cold into the heat. You see where this is leading. I remember forgetting to put my thermals on under my pants on Wednesday. I had them on Thursday, but took them off because I was too hot sitting in the office. And I didn’t wear them at all on Friday because one of my co-workers was picking me up at the bus terminal and I figured I wouldn’t be out in the elements long enough to notice. I think I remember coughing a couple times on the bus on the way home Friday, but it wasn’t until later that night I got a headache. And then my damn right ear and throat started to itch. It kept me up until two on Saturday morning. It was then that I decided to take the last teaspoon of infant Benadryl we had in the house. For some reason the bottle of adult Benadryl I buy for me always disappears. It stopped the itching and I finally went to sleep.

I got up around seven on Saturday morning because I had an 11:30 doctor’s appointment. I was just about to leave out the house at 10:00 to catch a bus when one of my daughters-in-law texted me and wanted to know if I had anything to do. She usually takes me to the grocery on Saturday. I told her I had a doctor’s appointment. She showed up around eleven with two of my grandchildren. But unfortunately kids weren’t allowed in this particular doctor’s office so my daughter-in-law and the kids waited in the car. Usually it’s an in and out thing. I was just there to find out how my blood test came out. My doctor had tested my Vitamin D count a week ago and the reading was supposed to be back.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the door was that there were three patients ahead of me. The second thing I noticed with the plug-in air freshner. I got sick just that fast, trying not to cough on anyone. I started wheezing. By the time they called my name the doctor said, “Oh yeah, you sound congested”. She put me on a scale, and then took my blood pressure (190/80). Okay, I’m not a doctor, but right then and there she should have done something. My mouth was dry and no one offered me a cup of water. I was still wheezing when they moved me around to two other rooms. Then she gave me a shot. She moved me to another office to talk about my Vitamin D count and to tell me she wanted me to see a specialist because one of my red blood counts was too high. I didn’t have time for no new sickness, I was slowly sinking fast. Then she sent me to admin to check out with a prescription for my inhalers and an antibiotic…no cough medicine. When I tell you that shot didn’t do anything, it didn’t. I moaned and groaned all night because I couldn’t catch my breath and it felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. I had a dry cough and I was sweating up a storm.

I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I think I set some kind of record. I still had on my nightgown at lunch time...something that never happens even on my day off. The elephant was gone from my chest but I was still wheezing. I took breathing treatments every six hours and used my inhaler every four hours. 

Somewhere around four I got this bright idea to take the trash out of the kitchen and my bedroom and bring it out to the trashcans in the yard. Halfway there I realized I made a big mistake. I could smell the fireplaces and I barely made it inside my back door. I had to lean on a chair at my kitchen table until the world stopped spinning.

I finally got a good night sleep last night.

This morning every gland in my body ached from my neck to my crotch. I woke up still wheezing and knew right then and there I wasn’t going to make it to work. I texted my co-worker so she wouldn’t try to pick me up at the terminal and then I called my boss to let her know I was ill. Regardless to what she might think I don’t have enough sick leave to stay out all winter. Well, maybe I do, but I’m not going to test it. Once I get over this, then I’ll have to wrap up my mouth and nose with a mask and my scarf and look like a mummy walking through the street. I’ll probably have to kick my youngest son out of the house since he and I are still at odds over this central heating. I may have to close my vent because it’s ninety degrees in my room right now and I have the window cracked so I can breathe. Do you see a trend here? If the window is open then the odor from the fireplaces will get in and I’ll never get better. Winter better end fast, then I’ll just have to deal with hay fever in the springtime (sigh). Sometimes being me sucks.

Oh yeah, “Boo-Thing” will be release tomorrow from Siren-Bookstrand. I’ll post again tomorrow if I’m still around.

P. S. I was watching an episode of Man Vs Food Nation and Adam and some people were eating barbequed alligator, I think they were down in the Florida Keys. Everyone agreed it tasted like pork. It’s a good thing I have high blood pressure and I have to stay away from the other white meat.

Imari Jade

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