Out with the Old/In with the New

Out with the Old/In with the New

“Lessons in Buying New Clothes”

By

Imari Jade

The time to shop for new clothes isn’t when there’s a clearance sale or at Income Tax time. It’s when your grand-daughter tells you, “Maw Maw, cover up your belly. Ugh!”

Although Maw Maw is considered petite because of her height and frame, Maw Maw has an unnatural passion for bagels and Hershey’s Kisses and she hasn’t done aerobics in two years. She has a sit down job so now she has one of those Buddha bellies going on and she can pinch more than an inch at her waist. So the first step in buying new clothes is:

(1) Convincing oneself that you’re not going to get into those bikini hugging jeans in your closet even if someone greases your ass with butter.

(2) Remove all temptation from the closet – Hidden 3 Musketeers, Almond Joys and Kit Kat Bars. This also includes clothes you haven’t worn in a year because you can’t button, zip or squeeze into them without your friends talking about you. Fold the clothes you plan to give away in a neat pile and toss anything torn, stained or missing a button away. I tossed a brand new blouse into the trash bag because I couldn’t figure out how to put it on. (Don’t ask it had strings and a halter and I just gave up.)

(3) Remove everything in your closet that’s not yours. Grandchildren, their toys and clothes, and ex-boyfriend’s stuff. You don’t need any reminders of past, bad decisions or judgments staring at you in the face every time you open the closet.

(4) Turn on some music – It will make the task go faster and give you an excuse to dance and exercise. You don’t have to worry about any one seeing you because kids are never around when there’s work to be done.

(5) Get rid of unnecessary shoes – If it didn’t fit when you bought them and you haven’t worn them ever, get rid of them. I have this bad habit of ordering shoes and clothes over the Internet. If I order a 7 ½ it will arrive with a 7 ½ tag but they’ll either fit like a six or an 8, so what good are they? Toss the crap out or give them to someone who really likes wearing heels (which I don’t.)

(6) Don’t answer the phone – This is the second biggest distracter next to kids. I talked to my sister for three hours yesterday and now she’s calling from Winn Dixie where she is grocery shopping. I already know that everything is expensive. Either buy it or leave it. It’s not a hard choice. We got off the phone three hours later. Since then I’ve talked to my brother, my daughter-in-law and one of my sons.

(7) Use other closets as a place to put out of season clothes. This might have worked but when I opened the closet I found a huge speaker and a baby stroller. The babies now walk better than I do. When the nest empties they should take everything they own with them. Maybe I should charge a storage fee since the closets and garage are still overflowing with their things.

(8) Watch DBKS’s Mirotic video. There’s nothing like seeing nice abs and pretty faces to give you energy and motivation. Set a goal. I’m going to get rid of this belly fat before I meet them.

(9) Clean everything off the top shelves of the closet and move boxes to the top shelf. Don’t just pile boxes on top of the stuff that’s already there because it’s just going to fall on your head when you open the closet.

(10) Get rid of cassette and 8-Track tapes or convert them to CDs – This fad is not coming back.

It is now 6pm and I’ve finally stopped trying to clean the closet. I ended up putting the bag of clothes I took out of the closet back in the closet because I don’t have anything to do with them at the moment. Maybe they might make it out to the garage or to the Salvation Army in a couple of days…probably not. But I’m getting new clothes anyway because I don’t want to hear, “Maw Maw cover up your belly” ever again.

My brand new television set is messing up and I don’t have On-Demand. Of course I have a call into the cable company. Surprising enough I’m really not too upset since I have YouTube.

Imari Jade